Peter Honey explains why the festive season is a time to listen and win
As we approach Christmas, I have seen lots in various newspapers about the perils of being old and lonely. One elderly woman I have read about (actually, she’s a bit younger than me!) often goes to her local supermarket, not to buy anything, but simply to wander around and be in close to proximity to people. Seeing other people busy buying things doesn’t, of course, help at all; if anything she returns to her empty flat feeling even lonelier.
Fortunately, even though I am classified as elderly, I am not (yet) lonely but my heart goes out to those who are. I have had an idea that, in a very small way, could help.
The idea came about quite by chance - as some of the best ideas do. I met a man at a social function who told me, in passing, about his 94-year-old widowed mother. She lives alone in London and has had a small stroke from which she has made a good recovery. He told me enough about his mother’s life to intrigue me. I asked him whether his mother had written about her life or whether the family had recorded anything for future generations. The answer to both questions was no. On a sudden whim, I volunteered to meet his mother and write her life story. He very much doubted that she would agree to being interviewed by a stranger but said he’d put it to her and come back to me. We exchanged email addresses and left it at that.
A few days later an email arrived saying his mother was prepared to meet me to explore the idea but was insisting that she had led an unremarkable life and doubted that anyone could possibly be interested.
She was quite wrong of course and over the past few months I have had six one hour sessions with Rachel and have been absolutely fascinated by all she has told me. At the end of each session I always checked that she was happy to continue and, after her initial misgivings, she has always been eager to arrange our next meeting. I have now written up her life story (just short of 10,000 words) and read it through to Rachel to check accuracy and to ensure that she is happy to include some of the more sensitive parts. With Rachel’s permission I have now sent her son and daughter electronic copies and they are delighted.
I continue to visit Rachel from time to time and am now about to embark on my next project with an 86 year old widower.
I have discovered that this unremarkable idea is a win-win-win. It was a win for Rachel. She grew to love the sessions where she could reminisce about her life at length with a disinterested person, willing to hang on her every word and give her undivided attention. We enjoyed lots of laughs about some of the absurdities and unfairness’s of life. It was also a win for her family who have the gift of a ready-made account of Rachel’s life to pass on to future generations. Reading the story has refreshed their interest in their mother. They told me I had clarified some things they were vague about and that I had discovered some things of which they were previously unaware. And it was a win for me to learn about the life and times of someone born in 1919 – only a year after WW1.
My experience had led me to believe that more lonely old people could benefit from the ‘let’s talk about your life’ formula. I’m even tempted to recruit an army of people with listening and writing skills so that lots of the lonely older generation could enjoy legitimately reminiscing about their lives. Perhaps Esther Rantzen, who has just launched Silver Line, a charity to befriend the elderly, would be interested (if you know how to reach Esther Rantzen please forward this blog to her)?
Do you think my life story idea has merit? Do you know anyone who might be willing to work with me to develop the basic idea?
And if you have an elderly relative you will be seeing over the Christmas period, get them talking about their lives before it is too late.